An unflattering photograph, a snarky remark, an unexpected flip of the switch. Sometimes I try to make myself ugly and undesirable so people will stop wanting so much from me. It's not a self-destructive habit I do on the daily or anything, but I guess I've done it enough times that you could call it a pattern. Mostly with people I deeply love, and thus, fear losing. Just rip the band-aid off already. Show the monsters.
I do it subconsciously at first, then more intentionally as I'm given more love or forced to make decisions I don't want to make. Self-sabotage in earnest. Works a little too well at times. I always regret it in the aftermath - testing love like that. But for a minute, it confirms that my flaws are bigger than the love I deserve. In some sick and twisted way, this feels safe to me. It keeps things knowable and predictable. I hate the way loss feels when I have no idea it's coming. If I somewhat orchestrate the end, then it feels a little less horrible when things go wrong.
Alas, this has only ever backfired. I end up having to recover from pushing people away because at my core, I'm a lover. I see now that the vulnerability I spout off about incessantly is the same trait I'm having trouble mirroring for those in my life who actually want to love me. So I'm getting better at this in my relationships. We live, we love, we grow.
In any case, here's to moments of softness amid the harsh angles and uncut edges. Whatever I show of myself here, I promise to always reveal every piece, not just the jaded cynical parts, but also the sides that are soft, hopeful, and whimsical. However that turns out, maybe it'll be enough to make you stay.
Comments