Full circle moments. April 6th, 2023, the day life changed; the day life truly, beautifully, bittersweetly changed. If this were a diary entry, and I didn’t believe how much it can all shift in a year, I might say that about today.
That day marked the last real class of my college career. I’ve still got a bunch of academic work to do, but for all intents and purposes, I won’t be sitting in an undergrad classroom again. It’s an odd feeling. When I re-started this journey two years ago during the pandemic, I was just eager to have something to talk about aside from being a mom. There’s a familiarity with academia. An intellectual grind that I enjoy and brought into my career and my mothering. A thirst for learning.
I went back because I needed to fill my cup, to finish something I started but stopped as I got caught up in my career. Part of me didn’t think I deserved it. I’m ashamed to say that this false belief often made me miserable instead of grateful.
I don’t know how to do things halfway. I felt immense guilt for nurturing my intellectual curiosity at the expense my children. It felt selfish. I watched my hardworking husband carry the weight when I was lost in projects, papers and exams. I didn’t want to let anyone down. At the same time, it was exciting. I rediscovered myself. School became a refuge from the mundanity of life. A place to get lost and to be found.
The absorption of knowledge, that’s easy. But reconciling that with the way the world actually is, being emotionally removed from it and not falling into perfectionism and self-doubt every single time, that was hard. Being pulled away from my babies was too. As was staying invested when I felt like certain fires had died. But that’s me: I’ve got this rapidly firing brain made for inquisition and this big heart made for loving.
I drove home that night in heavy rain. I couldn’t see the lines. As I went over the bridge, anxiety hit and for a second I thought, ‘I’m not gonna make it.’ Maybe I shouldn’t breathe life into this, but I’ve always thought I’d die young in a car accident. Hey, there’s still time.
But I made it across, and then I just sobbed. I crossed the bridge. I made it. I’m here.✨
Comments