My internal life shifted in a profound way recently and I feel a sense of weightlessness and joy that's both foreign to me and incredibly gratifying. It's like I'm meeting myself again. My anxiety and self-doubt are no longer reaching out and pulling me under. Perhaps by sharing observances of what caused that shift in this space, it might help someone out there too. That being said, I don't like writing that feels too instructional, as it's a bit like telling people how much hot sauce to put in a recipe that only they have all the ingredients for. So I'll just share my experience of a few things that helped me to see and feel the world differently.
When I'm in these weird phases of discontent, I turn to some form of art. I find it's a mirror for whatever I'm going through. Music, film, books. Or whatever creative expression that captures humanity in raw and authentic way. I watched this absolutely breathtaking Scottish indie film on the plane ride home from Florida called Aftersun. It was a stunning portrait of nostalgia and loss and offered a nuanced glimpse into parent / child relationships we don't often see. The pacing was so muted and true to life. I really think I needed to see this film at this point in my journey. It snapped me awake and I couldn't stop thinking about it for weeks after. Mental health affects everyone, and I think often as parents we hide our own struggles from our kids. But we can't really run from it, can we? I know I'm being purposely vague here, but if you're into grainy feelings of nostalgia, nuanced acting, and juxtapositions of internal worlds and external events, I highly recommend this poignant film.
Aside from that, I've been really into the spiritual teachings of the late Baba Ram Dass. His work has made me see and relate to myself and others so differently. The idea that we're all just walking each other home and that our time here is merely one incarnation our souls go through, that's getting me through these weird moments of 'goodbye' to people and places that I am having trouble letting go of. His work is not this 'mindfulness-lite' self-improvement stuff I often see people practicing; nor is it so heavy or counter-intuitive where you see people take their meditative efforts and become so detached they appear indifferent or apathetic towards others. It's warm. He talks about 'being' and knowing you are love. One quote I love of his is "your problem is you are too busy holding on to your unworthiness." I'd been doing that. I'd been measuring my worth through other people's eyes. That 'looking glass self'. I had this 'aha' moment where I finally understood that in moments of vulnerability or insecurity, if I held onto my wholeness instead of what I lack or the aspects of myself that people may reject, see as lesser than, or fail to validate, then nothing can really be taken from me. I'm whole as I am. I love myself as I am. I love others for all their contortions too. And like Ram Dass implored us to do, I am practicing turning people into trees. When people can't look you in the eye or aren't brave or willing enough to express what you meant to them, either verbally or physically, it's okay. It doesn't wipe it all away. It's just their journey, their way of bending their tree limbs to the conditions they're adjusting to. And in those moments, you let go with love.
The next thing I did is recognize how by actively doing things to maintain my own inner fullness and attunement to the here and now, this spills over into the lives of those I love. I used to think I had to make sacrifices of self in order to show love. But I'd end up feeling depleted and resentful. Yes, life involves sacrifice, but not at the expense of the spirit. And my children benefit from it in ways I may not even recognize until they're much older. It's much like this quote: “The most precious inheritance that parents can give their children is their own happiness." — Thich Nhat Hanh.
So I'm tending to myself, allowing myself moments of conscious self-nurturing without the guilt. And consciously choosing to love every piece as it exists in the present moment. Not for some idealized past or re-imagined future.
Somewhat related to that is the idea that I'm connected to all these other women and mothers in the world. We are all tethered together in this womb-spirit thing. This is naked dancing under the light of the moon shit, but it's true. In the past couple months I've had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with so many strong women, and friends new and old. We've shared laughs and tears and talked about the joys and the struggles in our lives. This has made me feel less alone because I listen to a lot of people's stories, but I often forget to reach out myself. Those women in my life who are mothers have truly served to inspire me. Their raw and honest authenticity combined with their determination to both love their children and hold tight to parts of themselves...it's just reminded me that we can be more than one thing, even if this rewarding and challenging role of mothering takes up so much of our energy, time, and love. We are so hard on ourselves as women and we carry this in our bodies from place to place and person to person. Nonetheless, we deserve to give ourselves compassion and grace. I'm so grateful for all these amazing women that brought that back into focus. Whatever you're managing inside, reach out. Talk to people. Talk about the struggles and the joys.
So those are just a few things that have reignited a fire within. And as for you and your journey? Well, I hope some of that lit a spark. Never discount the little shifts.
Comments