I don't want him to have childhood he has to heal from when he's older.
When you're a kid, cycle- breaking isn't some dream you have for your future. But I remember being really little and looking at members of my immediate family as they struggled, and thinking, hmm, I don't think life has to be this way.
I had a pretty lonely childhood. Sure, most of my physical needs were met, but in terms of emotional support, I was sort of left in the dust. My parents struggled with various combos of workaholism and alcoholism, and both my brothers had their struggles with mental health and substance use too. It's safe to say that the epi-genetic predisposition for addiction has nestled itself deeply inside my bones. Luckily it never switched on for me.
When I was 13, my mom stopped drinking alcohol. She has been sober for 23 years, and I'm so incredibly proud of her. But before that, I was left to do so much of my emotional processing on my own. And I was a deep feeling kid. When I was 19, my 25-year-old brother was murdered. He struggled with addiction and mental health for years. Sometimes he would talk to me about things he was going through, but I was 6 and half years younger than him, and I didn't have the answers to ease his pain.
Now that I'm raising my own kids, particularly my boy, I try to give them both the emotional leeway that was never afforded to me. I attune and stay present with their emotional worlds. It's important to me that they feel seen, heard, and validated. I don't want my son to shield his monstrous, angry parts, as I often did as a child, or feel weak when he experiences deep pain or sadness.
Feeling feelings is such a gendered experience too. Little boys need this unfettered permission to experience themselves in their deep feeling states, even more so than girls. Culturally, girls are expected to have some emotional range given that they're considered 'nurturers' - so it's not like my parents (who were also still very loving) didn't allow it. They were just so caught up in their own struggles and stresses that they didn't see or ask me how I was doing. I was just presumed to be strong, and it scared them when I wasn't. They were so shut off. And i suffered for it. Alone. For a long time.
So my goal is to let this little boy know that whatever storm comes, we can ride the wave together. He will never be alone. I will hold space for it in ways that were never held for me. I will always stay present, not so focused on the pains of the past or the worries of the future. I will always choose him over work (because I'm privileged to) and alcohol (because 2 day hangovers aren't appealing) and relationships with others, and I will always allow him to show up any way he needs to at any given moment. It's all welcome here.
In so many ways, I'm still a wounded child. But little by little, this sweet boy is slowly healing me.