Chalk it up to the bad weather, but I've been slightly anhedonic lately. In a low grade bad mood. I’m coping better than I would have a year ago - lots of self-compassion and connection with others - but I’ve felt as inspired as a soggy hotdog. I don't mind the rain, but too much of it causes me to question my existence. It seems like a harbinger of things to come. Terrible, dark things. Like the feeling you get when an extraordinary person dies, and with them, the particular magic only they can bring to the world. As if nothing will ever be the same again.
Anyway, clearly I read into the weather too much. Typical sad girl shit. All I want to do lately is sleep, eat, meditate, read, listen to music, and build lego. Sometimes I wish I could shrink myself down and be a little lego person in my own world for a day. Hide from everything and everyone. Sometimes I don't even want to face the day.
One of the perks of mercurality is that this never really lasts long. Plus I have kids. I have to bury my sadness. I feel like I might be coming out of it as of today, as a matter of fact. I saw the sun beaming through the trees this morning and I felt a sense of relief and gratitude for the constant movement of life. I see how everything ebbs and flows. I know this feeling isn't fixed or permanent. It's just a little rumbling asking me to pay attention to what my body is trying to tell me. Rest, play, grow. Or so I hope.
Should I be doing more? Sure. More with the kids, more to get pregnant, more working, more writing, more research into grad school. But right now I just need TLC and self-compassion and a killer playlist of the musical greats, living and dead, and I'll make it through.
I always do.
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