A couple of months ago, I tried reaching out to someone I had a pretty intense falling out with. I deeply care about this person, but we hurt each other in a bad way. Scorched earth - you'll never go back to the way things were - kind of hurt. We both had different ways of dealing with it. Me, a firestarter. This person, a barricade.
I wish I could go back and change everything. I made so many mistakes. Obviously I'm not proud of this, but I became ugly. Picture me at my most toxic. Sure, my baseline is intense and passionate in a cutesy bohemian-feminist kind of way. But this version was cringeworthy, my friends.
That being said, I tried to repair many times. I tried to wave white flags, to extend olive branches, to give space, to create something new. But my efforts never amounted to anything. I was a dog with an offering at the feet of my disgusted master. Pathetic. Ultimately, this person rebuffed each and every one of my attempts to reconcile or make things better.
It hurt. I completely internalized the message that I didn't matter to them, which roused the little girl in me who'd been told not to speak up or share her feelings. The little girl who was told any expression of self beyond normal little rumblings was too dramatic. All these fractures from my upbringing suddenly grew in size, making the ground beneath me unstable. I literally felt (and behaved like) a crazy person. Why care so much about someone who clearly doesn't want you in their life anymore, Melissa? The thing is, I'm selective about my people. For some reason, I felt like we were soul aligned. Sounds hokey, but it's hard to explain.
After months of fruitless efforts, I finally woke up. I shut the door with the faint hope that maybe down the line we'd be able to talk human to human again. I don't turn my back on people.
Months went by, and I reached out again after serendipity and similar interests had me and this person 'cross paths' in the online world. Beaming with sincerity and heartfelt intentions, I said what was in my heart.
What was this met with?
Nothing. No response. Radio silence. Completely left on read.
As much as this stung, I expected it. It drove home how unlikely it is that this person will ever forgive me. So now, there's nothing to salvage. I accept that they no longer care. Coming to terms with this was a gift. It released me from so many unknowns. It set me free from the lack of closure I had previously felt. And it was humbling because it taught me that sometimes my intuition about people is off. This person wasn't better than me. I had placed them up on a pedestal when they clearly still have growing to do, and so do I. But you can only meet people as far as they've met themselves, right? The very fact they'd be so stirred up by me initiating contact that'd they ignore me after all this time is a sure sign that they've got more work to do. But I'm finally at a place that I can wish them well with no hard feelings and actually mean it.
There are people we are only meant to know for a brief season. I'm not even sure I really knew this person at all. But I learned a lot from them. For that, I am eternally grateful. With this rejection I learned to love the parts of myself that they were rejecting: the intensity. The vibrant emotional rainbow. The tenacity. The inability to let go of and discard connection. I didn't go about it right at all, but my intentions were good at first.
I now know there's no offering I could possibly make that would have them see me as someone of worth and value in their life, so I no longer beat myself up about what happened between us. For their own reasons - which I used to drive myself crazy speculating about - they want nothing to do with me. I can't convince someone to keep me around. I can't make them care. I can't make them forgive.
Here's what I know: I won't let rejection stop me from being a good person even when someone else thinks I'm a bad one. I'm a medley of things and inherently complex, but I am not out to hurt anyone. I have grown and healed, and I genuinely wish this person happiness. It fills me up to see them to shine, even from afar. I no longer let their rejection of me breed anger, sadness, confusion and resentment. Some people just don't mesh. I am not for everyone. That's okay. I'll always forgive myself and the other. It allows me to breathe easier and feel lighter.
Ultimately, I will never ignore, show indifference, or make anyone I've cared about feel small. I never want anyone to feel discarded. Goddamn empathy button indefinitely pressed. I'd rather be that girl than the vindictive one. I've been the latter a few times and it just makes me feel worse in the end.
So that's how rejection becomes a gift. It allows you to dig deep and accept yourself for all your failings. It's a mirror. Instead of feeling shame or self-loathing or anger at the other, it has taught me to expand into loving awareness when I come into conflict. To deepen the compassion I have for myself, and for the other as they navigate what feels right for them. I must've hurt this person to the point that not only would they not want to know me, but that they wouldn't even bother to acknowledge my existence. I have remorse and regret about that, but my apologies haven't made a difference.
It's hard when things end. But I can still look back and smile at lovely words and bird songs sung from separated cages and feeling seen and known for a brief minute and glorious falls from a pedestal where I can say 'told ya so' without hating myself or the other. I still care for this person unconditionally, and yet, without them in my life; I'm warm. I'm safe. I have no conflicts. I know where I'm headed now, and I'm happy that we are both on our separate roads to self-actualization.
No more dropping dead birds at your feet. No more surfing waves of mercuriality. Just calm seas. I hope that everything you seek comes to fruition, with more than a few breathtaking surprises around the bend. Have a beautiful life, old friend.
And me?
I am as I was before, and yet forever changed.
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