I'll preface this post by saying I've only been in real, deep love twice in my life and am currently happily married to one of those people. In both instances, I didn't have to search. Love just came my way, and I'm grateful for that. I've gotten fairly lucky by being incredibly discerning and not opening up the vault of my heart more than I needed to. You can kind of tell who sees more of you than just the physical, and this is why out of a dozen suitors (okay maybe more than a dozen), only a few will genuinely love you, and statistically speaking, you will likely only feel true sparks and a reciprocal soul connection with a couple of them. It will feel like fire and warmth and vulnerability and safety all at once. All the extremes. Out of those two special loves, I had one experience where the contents inside were rejected and undervalued because the timing wasn't right, and I think that was enough hurt for one lifetime. But it's also part of the risk of loving. I'm extra sensitive because I don't wear any masks. So along with that comes an intensity that can often be a burden in a relationship. I like to be loved big. I like passion. I like adventure. I like words of affirmation. I like intellectual stimulation. I like dreaming together. I don't really care for things like flowers or ostentatious gifts or jewellery (unless there's a symbolic meaning attached). I like knowing I can laugh and be the weirdest version of myself without judgment. I need to be able to come undone a bit. I have that now and it's remarkable to feel known like this.
My husband and I have a great love story, but I'll save that for another day. Here are some fun lists that divulge what makes me both an amazing and problematic lover:
Things that make me a pretty great lover:
On a physical level, I'm um, generous? Ha ha. K enough of that. I dive in deep - I get to the heart of things right away and I just get out with my feelings in an honest and raw way. I'm soft and tender. I can be pretty sultry and romantic. I can also be pretty silly and I don't take myself too seriously, even during moments of passion. I do terrible sexy dances. You have to have that balance. I don't give half of myself. I'm thoughtful and adventurous. I'm my hubby's biggest champion and I'm a calm and balanced voice when he's feeling stressed (and he's the same for me, so that's a win). I view life and love as expansive in their possibilities. I'm not locked into a state of being or doing just because societal norms dictate we have to be one way, or raise our kids one way, or have all the things that make for successful suburban life. I see beyond that. I am not really a jealous person when I'm in love. I'd have to feel the connection was in danger and not solid to be like that.
Things that I need to work on (by my own admission):
This blog is called the 'mercurial' muser right? I have big, ever-evolving, constantly shifting feelings and moods, and I don't hide them well. When I get pushed to the edge, I can be venomous with my words. This is a survival strategy that becomes a gift for me and a curse for others. My husband mentioned this in his wedding vows when he said something about how I spoke "words that can build you up as fast as they can cut you down". I'm more introverted and I like my space, so I tend to withdrawl into my own world sometimes. Because I am constantly managing anxiety, I sometimes make assumptions in the absence of information to fill in the blanks, and this can be frustrating and cause a lot of pain. I get fixated and somewhat obsessional about things that I care about, so there's a lot of ruminating and trying to restore or mend that which can't always be mended.
I love love. I love knowing it's this intangible thing that we have little control over but that we make so many life choices around. I love knowing that every day people are falling in love somewhere out there, and that lives will be changed and babies will be born and the world can change because of it. I am grateful that I learn how to give love - and how I want to be loved - a little more each day.
Awesome!