Some say she was a succubus, others paint her as devastatingly soft. The most interesting girl in the room. Arcane and sensual under the covers, she’d write manifestos on the bodies of her lovers, tell them all the things she planned to do. She longed to be understood, but acquiesced to being desired instead. They’d chase her like a first time high. Problem is, you can’t replicate magic like that. Nobody loses interest, they just lose hope. So they’d swear her off cold turkey, and everyone would crash and burn on the come down. Fuck that girl and her Cheshire Cat smile.
Each year, I write mini eulogies for all the people I was before. Don’t ask me why, but I have a reverence for each person I used to be.
Do you still think of me every year on my birthday, even though you never loved me in July? I don’t even recall who I was then or what my motivations were, but it doesn’t matter now. How repellant I was! And at the same time, how boring it is when the only things people like about you seem to echo what you like about yourself. Confirm for me what makes me special, as if I didn’t already know. Have to play dumb ‘til my cheeks turn red, and pretend for the sake of modesty. Never able to turn into the monsters under my bed without a fear of losing…
Good God, I remember her. She’d light up the room with her gloom. Look, she wanted to be happy. She really did. But she saw into to the core of things, and once she saw them she couldn’t look away, okay? She couldn’t pretend. Modern life felt so pedestrian, so she’d romanticize it in the hidden corners of her mind.
Thirty seven now, but perhaps whatever ‘me’ you knew should stay frozen in time. Still an old soul. Still as petulant as a little kid. But ever growing, ever changing. For a while I pretended to be small, but I’m getting taller now.
I’d say that I’m ashamed or embarrassed of all the people I used to be, but then I’d be lying. Every moment has led to this one. I woke up to soft morning light, a child’s finger in my eye, and strong baby kicks from a little girl who I’ll teach to embrace every corner of herself. After all, you can’t have light without darkness.
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