It's time to head down river and deepen my spiritual practice this year. I want to be the most present, compassionate, awakened, authentic self I can possibly be as I unfold the gifts of this year, this age, this moment of being. If this means I need to say goodbye to certain people, places, and ways that I've previously clung to, then so be it. We don’t grow without discomfort.
Call me a bandwagoner. After all, most of us want some sort of change when the new year begins. Even if this appears somewhat contrived (‘new year, new me!‘) and is influenced by external things like jumping on the self-improvement train just because society says so. Forget New Year's resolutions and credit cards maxed out by 'wellness capitalism', when a walk through a lush gloomy forest will probably do, but I’m not too proud to admit that I have a desire to reinvent some components of myself in 2024. I've always had an innate need to know myself deeply. I read this book when I was a teenager about birthdays (mine is July 7th in case you want to send me a pressie) it said, "you are a builder and your primary project is yourself." There you have it folks, I'm a project. Maybe not a complete gut job, but I need to retrain my brain, which I see as the foundation for going deeper into oneness with myself.
It's no secret that I struggle with how inauthentic and surface level life on the human plane tends to be. I tend to get blue easily because I think maybe most people would be better off without so many of things we thought would make life better. Humans always have a way of making things worse when they focus solely on progress instead of process - they forget the pulse of life and where it comes from. I'm a seeker, so I have a need to find it within me and around me. Devoting a significant amount of time each day to invest in my spiritual alignment and practice (sadhana) more meaningfully is the best way I can think of to get there.
It makes me a little nervous to be so intentional about it, but I’m excited because the esoteric and mystical have always resonated with me. I believe there's something more within and beyond us. Just no dogma, please.
But why? Well, I want to deepen my capacity to hold more of myself - the joy and the grief, the beauty and the ugliness, the parts that want to be seen and the parts that still cower in self-doubt in shame. I want to embrace my unbridled generosity of spirit and acknowledge the parts of me that are still egocentric and somewhat selfish.
I want to learn to meet all these sides without judgment. All of these things are part of me. I need to hold space for them and honour them. Gone are the inconsistent wellness practices I only do when I "find the time". This year, I plan to be consistent with my meditation and my spiritual self-discovery. Instead of using my loved ones, responsibilities, or struggles as reasons why I can't and inevitably feeling resentment, I know that they’re actually the reasons why I need to. I want to tend to them with my presence and authentic self instead of my anxiety, fear, and ego.
Authenticity is crucial. With that comes boundaries. Lately, I've been saying no to things that don't resonate with my spirit. I take the time to meet myself in oneness. I find that when I make the space in my day to meditate (even without the flute which is so damn uncomfortable) I'm beginning notice the thoughts drifting in and out with more curiosity and compassion than shame or anxiety than ever before. I'm not getting stuck in them like I've always done. I'm becoming the voice of calm for my family.
Somehow, I'm finding my way to true presence. I don't want to miss my life unfolding. I want to allow it all in.
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