Well today's as good as any to talk about triggers. We've all got 'em.
What are the big bad triggers that tend to set off my own reactionary responses, you ask? Well, technically you didn't, but I'm gonna tell you anyway.
I probably struggle the most when I feel invalidated and unheard. Nothing crazy, I know. But in the recent past, well, up until like 6 months ago or so, these things could really set me off. Luckily, it doesn't happen too often these days. The man who knows me best of all knows these are my wounds, so he tries not to do that.
Where did these triggers arise from? Well, without going into too much detail, let's just say they're remnants of a childhood where my feelings and thoughts were often dismissed. Where I was only considered good if I was toeing the line, being cheerful and obedient, and not too much for anyone. And most of the time, I stayed within that square box. But doing so stunted me from being able to express all that was within. So I turned to writing to get things out. And I gave love. Lots of love and tenderness. But I didn't expose my shadows because my caregivers felt unsafe to be with them.
The thing is, triggers are unpleasant portals into the past, they have almost nothing to do with the here and now. That doesn't mean when someone I care deeply about dismisses or ignores me now, I'm not actually experiencing these things. I am. That trigger is merely my alarm system. The difference between the trigger and its early predecessor is that I'm not the helpless little girl anymore. I'm bigger than the moment, the event, and the person who by virtue of their indifference or dismissiveness has created a situation where I feel small. I can step beyond this into my empowered self, if only I remember that I'm here in the present and give love to my inner child who is feeling wounded by it.
That's the difference. It only took 36 years and some random, intensely triggering moments to unearth this revelation. I don't actually have to do anything about it. I don't have to change anyone's minds or plead for them to see me, to validate me, to acknowledge me in any way big or small. The reasons they can't do so are entirely of their own creation. Not because I'm too much or because I'm unworthy and undeserving. For whatever reason, they simply don't have the emotional capacity to hold me. It doesn't matter why they can't reciprocate instead of shutting down or turning away. There's no judgment or story to be created around that, no fixing it. There's just compassion for myself and the other. Just tenderness, and only that.
The truth is, we are rarely fully seen in this life, and by few, if any. If we're doing this human thing justice, the person we are constantly shapeshifts and molds and changes, sometimes even contorting us into unrecognizable and grotesque iterations of who we thought we'd never be. How can anyone see and stand by that for all time? Even if they do stick around, most people miss it or close their eyes to these shifts. It's less painful that way. But long before we're seen by others, we need to see ourselves. I don't know what's happened, perhaps gaining more self-trust and compassion, as I let go of certain past lives, but
lately, when I look in the mirror, I'm starting to see her. It only took 36 years, but she's finally coming into view. And guess what? This person I'm becoming doesn't need validation or approval from anyone else. After so many years of feeling unheard, it's her own voice that roars the loudest.
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