Cerebral, emotional, sensual, nurturing. Soft and hard. Dark and light. Whimsical and brooding. Overly anxious and carefree. Brazen and reserved. Spontaneous and calculated.
How do you settle in to all your paradoxes? How do you honour them? I try to give them all attention each week, but that becomes confusing for people. Society likes boxes. They expect consistency. Embodying all of these characteristics at the same time makes people think you're volatile, even unlikeable, when in reality you're just trying to be your truest self.
I've had this problem since I was young. People expected me to be the same from one moment to the next. That's what happens to little girls. We're expected to fall in line. I was quiet and conscientious. Nurturing and kind. But I was also more dynamic than that. I was an advocate and a dreamer and I was passionate about standing up for the underdog. I always had a sense that the world could be better, and that I could help make it that way. I lean big into moments. So I was always too much of something. Or if I presented one way, I was told I couldn't be the other thing. If you can't be pinned to one way of being, then people become afraid of you. Just be nurturing. Just be a mom. What if this version of 'mom' is most alive when she embodies her whole self?
I would rather oscillate between two extremes than simmer through life being a watered down version of myself. No matter how much I engage in downplaying, I actually like myself. I don't know why I'm reluctant to admit that. Maybe because we're all too afraid to be called narcissists now, when in reality we all exist on that continuum somewhere. You can't escape it in a society that prizes individualism, yet makes a grandiose display out of 'doing for others'. Meanwhile we are being fed messages that incite us to be more concerned with our physical appearance and making more money. We are all self-concerned to some degree, and I'll be damned if I didn't learn what angles to take a good selfie at. I'm only 35. I'm not dead yet. I know I have some sort of physical appeal and I'm gonna soak that up til I start to wither away. I'm gonna immortalize this sensual goddess because she's not going to be here forever. But personality wise, I'd rather be interesting than someone with no opinion or strange quirks. I don't want a botoxed brain. I don't want to trim the fat on my passionate side. I don't want to sanitize myself. That's boring. I'd rather be subversive because questioning the status quo makes for a better world. My kids benefit from my weirdness and expanse of self, I'm sure of it. My friends know they can come to me with whatever odd life circumstance they find themselves in and I won't judge them for it. But, for a few people, I'm just too much.
You can't please everyone. Not everyone will want to know you, or think you're worthy of a cup of coffee. But many will appreciate your every shade and colour and how it presents in the world. They'll accept how passionately committed you are to being the most congruent version of yourself with every experience. Nothing hidden. Just raw honesty. I'm glad I have those kind of people in my life.
I think I'll continue to let this freak flag fly.