Just some arbitrary numbers to indicate that I’m nearly done school and that my mental faculties are working quite well. I’ve been at it awhile, and I’ve managed to cram some stuff into my brain in that time. Being good at academics isn’t new for me, I’ve always had an erudite and inquisitive nature. I’ve always liked the feeling of wrapping myself in knowledge. It’s a soft warm blanket in a world that is full of unknowns.
But I never cared for these kind of markers of achievement because they’re seductive. They leave me wanting more and contribute to a never-ending cycle of anxiety and perfectionism. They lead to overthinking and overdoing, which are some of my less attractive traits, and a life long battle for me. I generally don’t like doing things if I can’t do them well, which is why I labour over the stuff I’m interested in to an obsessive degree. Whether that stems from an innate sense of unworthiness or just a deep desire to feel like I understand as much about the world as I can in my short time here, I don’t know. But it’s probably some combination of both.
I just know that knowledge left to sit in the brain is useless. I need to connect to it on a visceral and emotional level. I like using it to disrupt people’s thought processes about the way things have been, and the way they ought to be. Knowledge is nothing if it’s absent the desire to create a better world.
I have no idea what I’m going to do after, and truthfully I’ve stopped caring. I can’t hang my happiness and fulfillment on some career, or even the idea of grad school. I have a bit of a listless, dissallusioned feeling. The feeling you get when you’ve reached the pinnacle of something, and there’s nothing but a barren empty field as far as you can see, and the view doesn’t take your breath away like it’s supposed to. Like you thought it would.
I think this happens to most of us at some point. It certainly did to me in my last career. I don’t think we can rely on a job or a person to fulfill us. I think we’re constantly working out different combinations and pulling levers to see what makes us feel most alive. When you hit on something that resuscitates you, stay with it. And don't be afraid to be still for awhile.
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