I started this blog ONE year ago today. I can't believe I've kept at it this long, to be honest. This thing takes effort. And because I'm so many identities and roles wrapped into one human, I'm still figuring it out. There have been many hiccups along the way, but overall it's been a positive little corner of my life. What keeps me going is acceptance of this thing as being a flawed canvas. I don't have the capacity to blog all of the time, but instead of being resentful, I've embraced these constraints as indicators of the very full life I live. I'm just grateful to get a few posts in over the span of a week or two.
In actuality, I find that after committing to this, I write about the things I truly want to write about. More than when I was in my career, in the thick of motherhood, or while in school. Somehow, I've found a 'balance'. And I've been able to plug away at some side projects too.
But this isn't just for shits and gigs. It's something I needed to do.
There are a few reasons I took the plunge. The first being that I was coming out of one of the messiest, most painful years of my life. I felt utterly lost, and I needed to make myself easy to find again. I felt so distracted. I have these ongoing internal boss battles with self-doubt (read: perfectionism and imposter syndrome), shame, and my innate longing for authenticity. Throw the ego in there, and we have a final dungeon boss who seems damn near undefeatable. Writing is the bio-psycho-social-spiritual process that gives me the courage to try.
Beyond my year of growth and pain, something ached in me to start this. It was a desire that was years in the making. A casual suggestion made by many friends and family members.
Perhaps they were tired of my random late night musings cluttering up their social media newsfeeds. Or maybe they truly valued what I had to say. I don't know. I don't think about that stuff too much because it isn't productive, but I'm grateful for those who planted the seed all the same.
So here we are in this mess of a walking contradiction. A mercurial space, as it were. To be honest, I still don't know what I want this place to be. I often struggle to be what people want me to be when my deepest urge is to be as authentic as possible. The problem I often encounter is that this doesn't always lend itself to being a beautiful work of art. Let's be honest: this space is a little gritty and unpolished at times. But it's real.
And I still have no easy answer as to what this thing is or where it's headed. Is it a mom blog? In many ways, yes. In others, no. I don't feel comfortable telling other moms how to raise their kids. Every family situation is different. And so it's not only that. Is it a space that's inherently feminist, provocative, erudite, whimsical, ethereal, and sometimes annoyingly political? Yes... to all the above.
What parts of myself do I show? Cerebral, sensual, emotional, aimless, unhinged, disciplined, passionate, maternal, witty and sardonic? What do YOU want from me? Truthfully, in this format I don't care enough to put on a performance for the sake of your pleasure. This has become my safe space to be all of those things. I put on the magic in social situations, but at my core, I'm an introvert with a lot going on inside at one time. As a person who feels an intense array of emotions all at once, I get overwhelmed explaining myself to people. I prefer to write it out. The trauma of constantly being told as a child that you're feelings are 'too much' and that you're 'too sensitive/emotional/dramatic' is alive and well in me, so writing has been my long-time friend, my method of catharsis.
No matter what this space morphs into, I promise I'll always be congruent with who I am at any given moment in time. No selling out. So let's keep it weird, whimsical, and mercurial.
To all those who have stuck around, thank you. Your support means the world.
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